Sweet Recovery

Control. Something my eating disorder is ALL about. It comes out in more ways than just what I’m putting in my body. I need control of situations, food, school, socialization, time, everything.

I need to please everyone and to do that I take control of my thoughts and figure out what the others want from me. I can’t let them see the real me, because she is not good enough. This is how I control my environment. 

Reasons why I’m having trouble recovering….letting go of control. 

I can’t go to a high level of care because that takes away ALL the control. Someone else is in charge. How can I deal with that? 

Well I can tell Rex to shove it where the sun don’t shine! 

Control never really can exist fully. There is always some aspect of life that you will NOT be able to control. As soon as I am able to fully accept that, I’m going to be stuck in this Recover-Lapse phase and I want FULL recovery. So I’m saying Adieu to control!  

Today I was asked “What is the average size of women” 
My reply 

“Human” 

All sizes are average, they are YOU’RE size and YOU’RE body. There is no right or wrong.

People that comment on physical appearances such as weight really aggravate me. Many think that the comment of being “Too Fat” is wrong. And it IS, but want people don’t realize is that the comment of being “Too Skinny” can be just as hurtful!!! 

No one knows whats going on in someone else’s head and just one little comment could set them off onto a negative downward spiral of self hate. 

So keep your comments to yourself!

Well…its been 4 days since my tattoo and I’m almost healed up, no longer “bleeding” ink and the pain and soreness is minimum. Know what that means? YUP! WORKOUT TIME! 

These past days have been rough, with wanting to restrict while not exercising, but in the long run I know it was all for the better. I know that these breaks are going to happen in life and I know that I’ll still need to eat normal. Yes I had my struggles some days and hated my body on many many occasions. I’ve even put on some weight. 
But I’m starting to think….well maybe these extra pounds will be ok. It’s not the end of the world. 

Only negative is. I still hate me….gotta keep working on that. 

I had repressed the memories and nightmares for so long. Too long. Now they flood my mind. I’ve been working on mine PTSD in therapy and I’m finally allowing my mind to remember that trauma, and it’s hard. So hard. I want to cry all the time now, I’m having more frequent panic attacks, and more triggers throughout the day. 
I’ll I want is to curl up in a ball and disappear from the world. It’s too hard. Erase my brain please.